Oddball Wine Pairings: Holiday Survival

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me …a what? …wait a minute… It was some kind of a list. What the…? It was a list of Christmas gifts for me to buy for his family. I was feeling robbed and a little betrayed but also suddenly inspired to devise this holiday survival guide. As it turns out, this little “list mishap” was nothing a nice glass wine of couldn’t fix.

LIST REMEDY: Cabernet Sauvignon, something old and expensive. Spend some money and take your time drinking it because the next couple of weeks are going to be a frantic whirlwind where you will shed more money than you thought possible, in a very short amount of time. My pick is a Dominus 2009, sure it’s $200 but guess who is paying for this one (insert evil laugh)?

Shopping is always such fun! Said no one. Ever. For me shopping calls up images of screaming kids, no parking spaces and throngs of people knocking you over for a 50¢ discount on socks.   When I shop I dedicate one day to the job, if it doesn’t happen that day, it just doesn’t happen (sorry Aunt Edna). Here is how it goes:

1: caffeinate and get psyched

2: shop for someone easy that I like

3: lunch with a mandatory minimum of one bottle of wine

4: all the rest of the shopping

The wine makes me more creative, more tolerant and more motivated to finish so I can get to next bottle of wine quicker.

SHOPPING REMEDY: a light white wine will help you stay agile, in good humor and energized. A solid choice is the Cloudy Bay Sauvignon Blanc. In fact, I just employed this exact strategy and it worked flawlessly.

Getting the tree into a stable and upright position is traditionally a fun family bonding moment that begs for wine. You may think, eh, no problem. However, you should know that the real thrill, in our house, stems from the fact that the tree stand is held together with duct tape. Ohhhh, you heard me. Duct tape.

TREE REMEDY: screw the wine, a shot of tequila is in order.

Untangling the lights…why is it that no matter what precautions are taken, the light strand becomes a living, breathing ball of menace that absorbs anything in it’s path? And don’t even get me started about putting the lights ON the tree. I once tried to pass the tree lighting “honor” to my oldest child. I even made a bit of a ceremony out of it, like it was a great and treasured privilege. It just caused me to drink more.

LIGHT REMEDY: a medium-bodied white. This is a mentally taxing job, you’ll need your energy and some creative effort. One to consider is the Yalumba Y series Viognier.

Wrapping gifts is one of the jobs I seriously hate. I procrastinate, I throw things in bags, I drink a lot of wine. Inevitably, on Christmas Eve after all the stores are closed, I run out of tape (FYI it turns out Elmer’s glue, duct tape and even chewing gum are fine substitutes).

WRAPPING REMEDY: Rosé, because of all of the wines Rosé is my least favorite so this is the wine I drink while wrapping. The sooner the wrapping is done the sooner I can stop drinking Rosé. Hogwash, appropriately named for the job, is my pick of choice. Fun to say, fun to drink.

And what about The Cookie Exchange which is basically code for “middle aged women drinking wine”. Honestly, nobody needs 12 dozen cookies and almost nobody likes other people’s cookies anyway.

COOKIE REMEDY: juicy gossip and juicy wine go together. Pick a lighter red such as Pinot Noir, anything from Willamette, Oregon should do the trick.

A trip to the dysfunctional post office is always a personal favorite thing to do during the holiday season.

POST OFFICE REMEDY: Champagne…go to your happy place. Not a person on the face of the earth could be unhappy drinking little bubbles. As a bonus it will make you feel swanky while surrounded by the nameless rabble waiting in line.

Sweet potato pie. I mean really, how did a “side dish” become a dessert? Just make a darn pie out of pie ingredients, not vegetables.

PIE REMEDY:  If you have to endure a pie made of vegtables, try a nice Riesling. I recommend the Charles Smith Kung Fu Girl Riesling, it’s reliably good and has a little attitude.

While unwrapping gifts from others I recommend that you drink whatever wine makes you smile like an idiot, because let’s face it, at some point you’re going to get some horrible crap you don’t want.

GIFT REMEDY: Chardonnay. I do not have any real scientific evidence but I’m pretty sure that people who drink a lot of Chardonnay smile a lot. Try this easy to find chugger that you won’t mind sharing if necessary: the Francis Ford Coppola Votre Sante Chardonnay.

Whatever your season brings, we hope you find yourself among a merry group of at least 12 drunkards drinking. You might as well join them and enjoy the season!